Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.