I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
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Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants