2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
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He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy