i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
