I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
