sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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