I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
