i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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