I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Randomize
