I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
