First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
