The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hippo gnu deer
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Randomize
