The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
