fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
