you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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