When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
