I wish I could teleport
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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