I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How does it feel to date your dad?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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