Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
