Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
