I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize