then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
