why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
