I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
