why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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