I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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