I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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