you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
