my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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