I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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