I wish I could teleport
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
