What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
this will be a night to untag.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
