I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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