i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
