the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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