Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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