Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
