I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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