My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
