chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
