No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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