who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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