I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
