What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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