wrigley field is MILF paradise
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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