Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
