What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
