I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
