if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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