I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
