In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
