i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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