There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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