my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
