I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
