I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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