i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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