Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
50% drunk capacity currently
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
